Pregnancy, Misdiagnosis, Missed Miscarriage, Failed Miscarriage, and D&C all During Pandemic

My Story

My grandmother made this blanket for my first child. It is so special to me especially now. 

Boy, I didn't know I would be writing this, going through this right now, or even being pregnant. But so much has happened for Cody and I since March 26th 2020. 

To be straight forward, we had a miscarriage during quarantine. I have been pregnant for the past 14 weeks (as of July 1st) with a failed fetal development at 6 weeks 1 day. I still have hcg levels present in my body and will for another 4 weeks.

April 26th 2020 changed my life. That was the day we got a positive pregnancy test, which was the biggest surprise of our life. I was 4 weeks and 2 days along. When I saw the lines confirming what I pretty much already knew at this point, I was stunned but put together a quick surprise for Cody and about put him on the floor LOL. He was SO SHOCKED. We had not planned to get pregnant for another year and a half+. We had been EXTREMELY careful and were actively preventing. For the two weeks before this I had been feeling so so so odd and put two and two together prompting me to test. I had been bleeding for ~5 days before I got the positive pregnancy test but didn't think anything of it.

                                                        

At first, I felt reassured because it was either that or something was seriously wrong with me, so I felt justified. Then the news sunk in and I got really upset and scared. I didn't feel ready at all and I didn't understand God's plan. I knew, and I knew God knew I wasn't ready for this in the least. They say trust in God's plan, He knows what He is doing, and you are truly never ready for a baby but when he/she comes, you will be. You have 9 months to plan. But all of these reassuring thoughts were just wrong. The timing was so so wrong in so many ways. I struggled with this and stayed in prayer. Then God gave me an image that it was all going to be ok. We would be holding a baby boy in our arms soon. I didn't understand but thought this must be what people were talking about. This was the peace and acceptance I needed. This was God saying to trust in Him and this is was His will for my path. So, obediently I quickly accepted this and found peace and learned that His timing is always greater than ours. God has never and will never lead me astray. I kept being lead to this bible verse: God never gives you more than you can handle. 1 Corinthians 10:13 God will not tempt you beyond what you can handle, he always will provide a way out. 

So 2 weeks later, I started getting genuinely excited.  

4 weeks later at my first doctors appointment *alone*, the moment the ultrasound tech started, she couldn't find the baby. She looked and looked and looked but only found a gestational sac, and yolk sac. She and my doctor were sure I had my dates wrong but my doctor warned me that there is a possibility that we had suffered from a blighted ovum (meaning there was no fetus present) but to come back in a week to make sure. I was numb. (And for these past few months have pretty much stayed that way). I reassured my doctor I remembered when the first day of my last period was exactly and unfortunately the dates were correct. Then he looked at my blood test pregnancy numbers and said, wow thank goodness we gave you the progesterone medication to raise your progesterone, it looks great! In utter horror I said, I was never on any medication. And he looked stunned and said, quickly, I must have decided against giving it to you. Your levels raised well naturally then. (I had gone in three times before that for blood work all looking good besides the first blood test). 

So a week later I came in and the same exact thing happened. My hcg levels continued to rise and looked GREAT. But the ultrasound tech still couldn't find the baby. I had to text Cody waiting in the car below that there was indeed no baby. How absolutely inhumane that they wouldn't let him in to help me despite the circumstances regardless of OUR circumstance. This was the appointment where we either weren't having a baby or were. But ultimately, we were experiencing a blighted ovum. Cody was very sweet and supportive despite his shock. The doctor told me to expect a miscarriage any day and was surprised my body hadn't already. The gestational sac stopped growing at 6 weeks 5 days and I was 9 weeks. I walked out numb feeling like a ticking time bomb and not really having any information on the miscarriage or what to really expect. What if I had the miscarriage at work? Middle of the night? What if it lasted 2 weeks? How severe would the process be? What was God wanting for me now? I was confused. We had told our families. We had told very close friends. We told our family so early because no one is truly in the safe zone. No one is promised tomorrow. Why not celebrate this life for what it is right now. However long it is. I was initially told I may not be seen at the doctors until 20 weeks anyways because Covid-19 deemed pregnancy a non-priority. So we had to update them again but for grim news. So this is what God was trying to tell me when I 'saw' us holding a baby boy a few months ago when we got that positive pregnancy test. We would see him/her in heaven one day and he would be in perfect form. That is why I am strongly lead to believe this was a baby boy. 

Another 4 weeks go by, and my doctor wanted another ultrasound because I felt pregnant as ever, still having strong symptoms, not cramping or bleeding, I started to wonder if it was a misdiagnosis. Then on the 13 week ultrasound, everything was still there as expected but guess what. There was a baby. I was SHOCKED. Where had it been hiding? The tech was like, no hun, this isn't a blighted ovum, there it is but it stopped growing at 6 weeks and 1 day. It only had a heartbeat for 3 days. The baby had passed 2 days before Mother's Day. That was hard. Up until this point, it had brought me peace knowing there never really was a baby and we weren't really losing anything that had developed beyond cells. But now, this is different. I felt like I had received the news all over again. and all alone. But the nagging question is, why was the 6 week 1 day fetus not seen at the 8 & 9 week ultrasounds? 

What I was experiencing now was a missed miscarriage where my body didn't recognized the failed pregnancy and kept my hcg levels really high but refused to let go of the pregnancy. So the doctor said we need to take action now to prevent infection and prescribed some miscarriage inducing medicine. He said to expect heavy heavy bleeding and sent me on my way. Two days later early Friday morning I took the pills, trying to miss as little work as possible. I was SO SO scared. 30 minutes after placing the pills I experienced lots of bleeding, tissue passing, and clots for 6 hours. It was done. I grieved this pregnancy for what it was and tried to move on. 

The whole next week I had started having heavier bleeding, passing tissue, and had increased cramps. I was getting concerned. I tried to reach the doctors but because of restricted covid-19 hours, I wasn't seen for another 5 days while still just scared out of my mind. I thought it couldn't be normal. So when I finally got in on July 1st, (I was 14 weeks along at this time) the doctor did an ultrasound and said, oh, everything is still there except the surrounding tissue. My body STILL refused to miscarry. I was angry. He said this was a failed miscarriage. The doctor said I could take the pills again or have a D&C immediately. I opted for a D&C despite I had eaten breakfast that morning. I couldn't go another 1.5 weeks with the same conclusion despite going through all of that pain again. So an hour and a half later I was being prepped for surgery and I was all alone. They wouldn't let Cody go to the surgery center. He dropped me off and picked me up when they wheeled me out. I sat in the pre-op room and prayed and cried because I didn't know what to expect for the surgery, it was all so fast, I was bleeding, and scared. The IV hurt and they wouldn't let me take my mask off. I had to call Cody on the phone who was outside the surgery center fretting, himself. Family was so concerned. My mom raced to make it to Chattanooga to help. This all was truly worse than my worst nightmare. The surgery was quick and very successful. I only bled 1/4-1/2 the amount that is expected from this procedure in surgery. Thanks to the miscarriage inducing pills! My only blessing in this all. 

It was all finally over. Time to grieve the pregnancy for the 4th time. Recovery was luckily really really easy. I didn't even need as much as an advil, thank the Lord. I just got cleared for exercise and swimming now. In 4 more weeks, my hcg pregnancy hormones should be completely gone. I still feel pregnant and have strong aversions and cravings. I had been pregnant for 8 out of 14 weeks with a fetus that failed to develop. I can finally find peace and move on now. But what was God's plan for me now? I am still so confused and conflicted. What was all that for? 

At my 2 week follow up appointment the lab sample from the surgery didn't tell us any information on what happened. I was a little sad about that. I mainly worry that this will happen again. I wish now I didn't have to worry if we will ever be able to have kids or not. The doctor said we can start trying again in about 1-3 moths and I about laughed in his face. I will NOT go through this exact thing again, especially during the pandemic, I know that for sure. 

I have no idea what the future holds for us now. I hope to never go through any of this again. I am working every day not to have a bitter seed planted in my heart from this experience. My word of the year was peace and to find peace in whatever Gods path was for me and wherever he leads me. And boy have I needed that more than ever. I don't know what God was wanting for me since March 26th to now. But all I know is I've had lots of time for reflection, bettering myself, and ultimately finding peace through this all. And now, I don't know what God wants us to do in regards of starting our family. But I am sure searching frantically for his prompting either way. My eyes are open. For some reason, this was part of our story. I am a changed person and boy, I have really had to mature over the last few months. This is tough stuff. 

Our baby was supposed to be due December 31st 2020. That will be a sad day but Cody and I are OK. We really are. With God, we have found peace and extreme hope for the future. I will live every day honoring our baby's short life here on this earth but truly, he/she is in a better place. All I know is I can do tough things. I still don't feel ready and God knows it too. We shall see. Life is so fragile, so short, and so valued. 

Right now I am searching and after much thought have come to this conclusion. When there's no peace on earth, there's peace in God. It is still hard thinking of the what if's and what now's. And trying not to envision the life your thought you were going to have in 9 short months, and how your little babe would be. Seeing baby clothes in stores is hard. Not being pregnant now is hard. It's all I've known for the past 4 months.

Having sweet Lucy has been such a positive distraction. God giving us sweet Lucy when he did was such a blessing that we didn't even know we really needed right then. She is truly our fur baby. Every night I hold her and tell her how much I love her and how grateful we are for her. Lucy and work have been such a great thing for me right now.

This was the day after my d&c procedure. 

And how did I explain all of this at work and to my boss? How do you even begin? This was such a physically, mentally, and emotionally damaging experience that lasted MONTHS. How can you be ok? How do you even get the time you need? It is so under discussed and under experienced. I work in a field of men. One of my co-workers is female. This needs to be discussed. Luckily my boss was AMAZING at helping me and understanding. But not everyone is so lucky. Life continues on whether you are ready or not.

It is difficult to share the news. As each week passes I have shared my experience with a few others because questions come up. Most people don't know what to say and we have gotten our range of crazy responses. But that's ok. That's expected. People mean well but this is such a taboo topic. 

I really contemplated on sharing any of this but this is part of our story and I am lead to talk. Talking about it has really helped heal my heart. This is not for attention or over-sharing. Miscarriage is such a taboo topic that so many people go through, and now during a pandemic. If you are struggling, I am here and I can relate. Always feel free to reach out. These are such difficult times. Let's pull together, not pull away. 

-Cody and I are still a Mother and Father. Life begins at conception and just because our baby was born in Jesus's arms and not ours, doesn't make us any less of parents. This next Mother's and Father's day, we will be celebrating.-

Below is the blog I was going to post on June 28th but we didn't even make it to the gender reveal on June 13th. 

With so much love,

Kayla and Cody Raborn

7/14/2020

In memory of our sweet baby Raborn,

5/8/2020

Below is the blog I was going to post on June 28th but we didn't even make it to the gender reveal on June 13th:

SURPRISE!!!!!! WE'RE EXPECTING!! (Well mostly me😅😆)

If you are surprised, we were even more surprised. Trust me, lol. This baby is such a blessing and it and our lives rest completely in God for he is the ultimate King. I have no fears. Whatever God's path is for us, we will follow. God knew me before I was knit in my own mothers womb, God knew this was his plan for us and who am I to stop it. Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. And the same goes for our baby. 

Cody and I were really surprised when on April 26th 2020 I had a positive pregnancy test. It's honestly a miracle. My mom and dad struggled to have me for 3 years, and my sister for 2 years (with two losses) so I expected that I would have the same fate but quite the opposite and I am forever grateful to God, for that is not the path of anguish I wished to endure. I don't know if I could have handled that. God never gives you more than you can handle. 1 Corinthians 10:13 God will not tempt you beyond what you can handle, he always will provide a way out. God has always had a huge hand in my life, every step of the way, and this was no coincidence or accident.

  

June 2019-January 2020 were some of the hardest months of my life, and this is the rainbow of promise for me. I had wished nothing more than to disappear or run away during that time. Cody was my rock, and God was my saving Grace. Now, there is no place in life I would rather be. This baby was just that promise and life for me. I hope these next 19 years go by so slow to soak in our 2-3 kids Lord willing! Romans 8:38 Nothing can stop the love God has for you. James 4:8 Draw near to God and he will draw near to you.

This little baby is so so loved. My mothers intuition is 100% boy along with Codys guess, so this little guy is already so blessed. I actually study gender mapping and have for years, Cody and I have an 80% chance that every baby we have will be a boy. That is a little difficult for me as I come from a family overrun by girls and the opposite for Cody. Cody has wanted a baby since the day we tied the knot. I have been a little harder to convince. I may not have felt ready at all on April 26th, but God knew I was and that's all I need. 

Getting pregnant during this scary time is God's exact plan for me. Teaching me that his timings perfect, just as I always knew. This has already changed my life, no matter what happens from here. This has already made me a better person. As of now, I have let go of all of my fears, all of my expectations and have such an overwhelming sense of peace that I had been DESPERATELY DESPERATELY seeking inside myself for absolute YEARS. And guess what, I finally have it. I can finally rest. This is so opposite of everything I run off of. God is so incredible.

I just can't wait to share this news with my family on Mothers day! I have separate announcement plans for each family group! And wow, my first mothers day as a mom! 

Cody and I found out at 8-9 days post ovulation which is 4 weeks 1 day (the earliest day you can find out) due to strange symptoms I was having that prompted me to take a test. I went to the doctor and confirmed the pregnancy through a blood draw at the 4 week 2 day mark and again 3 days after that. I have my first ultrasound (8 weeks) on May 22nd. That should be fun! Hopefully we will hear the heartbeat by then! Our gender reveal party will be in less than 7 short weeks at our house from the genetic blood screening at our 10 week appointment. And we will be announcing to you around week 13-14 in which we will already know the gender but will announce a week after that. I am currently 4 weeks and 2 days (on 5/2/2020). The baby's due date is roughly December 31st 2020. 

The morning I took the pregnancy tests, I saw the line appear and it was almost like I knew already. It was accepted in my soul. I immediately grabbed the UT booties I had stashed away for years waiting for this very moment to surprise Cody and wrote on the case, Newest Vol fan coming soon! I wrote Cody a little note and threw the pregnancy tests into a box and ran to him and had him open it. He had no idea and was in complete shock. He was so excited!!

I have had such an easy pregnancy so far (granted I am still so early) I have had limited symptoms and have a ton of energy. My mom, and both grandmothers had a breeze of pregnancies so it could be genetic which I am so blessed!

Cody was an easy baby and child as was I so I anticipate the same will go for our little one. Also I was born with blonde hair and blue eyes (limited hair I might add) as was Cody. So I already know what our baby will look like. Isn't that cool!

I know we are getting our puppy Lucy soon but Lucy will be 8.5 months old when our baby is born so we have some training to do! It will all work out and we are still so pumped to get Lucy girl!

I have been collecting baby things for the past almost 4 years so I have quite the collection to start with including two strollers that I got for a steal when babies r us closed (and a ton of UT baby stuff). Everyone always thought we were crazy but who's laughing now, jk :D. ;). I even set up a nursery in my house off of our bedroom anticipating this!

I can't wait to join the mommy club and have the best job in the world!! I was born for this!!! 

I'm a mama!!

*Stay tuned for many more posts about my birth plan, packing my hospital bag, doctors visits, nursery set up, Q&A's, announcement reactions, gender reveal party, baby showers, emotions, and more!* 

I had created a constantly updated page on the blog toolbar for weekly updates and bump progressions! Much like how we did for our house. 

 

-I had made bump pics and weekly updates. -

As you have seen in the announcement post, Cody and I are expecting!....A baby, not a dinosaur (or puppy)😅. We are so incredibly blessed and so incredibly surprised. Follow along to see baby and bump updates week by week. Also stick around for other posts and information about the gender reveal, doctor's appointments, showers, packing the hospital bag, Nursery set up and tour, my birth plan, birth story, and meeting the baby!!
This has been the hardest secret to keep and we are so ready to share! Baby Rabe is due January 6th 2021! 

Weekly Updates:

.............................................

0-2 Weeks Technically not pregnant but in the medical world, the first day of your last period is day one. So oh well. But I know exactly when I ovulated therefore how far along I really am (especially considering my cycles are 33-34 days and not 28 days.

Starting Look pre-pregnancy

 

........................................................

-3 Weeks-
4/16-4/22
LH surge and ovulation occurs (April 16th 2020). You are pregnant but baby hasn't implanted in your uterus yet so no pregnancy test would pick up a positive.
 
3 week "bump"
 
Size of a cupcake sprinkle.
...............................................................

-4 Weeks-
4/23-4/29

Implantation. Cody and I found out at 9 days post ovulation which is 3 weeks 1 day (the earliest day you can find out) due to strange symptoms I was having that prompted me to take a test (April 26th 2020). I went to the doctor and confirmed the pregnancy through a blood draw at the 3 week 2 day mark and again 3 days after that. I have my first ultrasound (8 weeks) on May 22nd. That should be fun! Hopefully we will hear the heartbeat by then! Our gender reveal party will be in less than 7 short weeks at our house from the genetic blood screening at our 10 week appointment. And we will be announcing to you around week 13-14 in which we will already know the gender but will announce a week after that. I am currently 4 weeks and 2 days (on 5/2/2020). The babies due date is roughly January 6th 2021.

This little baby is so so loved. My mothers intuition is 100% boy along with Codys guess, so this little guy is already so blessed. I actually study gender mapping and have for years, Cody and I have an 80% chance that every baby we have will be a boy. That is a little difficult for me as I come from a family overrun by girls and the opposite for Cody. Cody has wanted a baby since the day we tied the knot. I have been a little harder to convince. I just can't wait to share this news with my family on Mothers day! I have separate announcement plans for each family group! And wow, my first mothers day as a mom!

The morning I took the pregnancy tests, I saw the line appear and it was almost like I knew already. It was accepted in my soul. I immediately grabbed the UT booties I had stashed away for years waiting for this very moment to surprise Cody and wrote on the case, Newest Vol fan coming soon! I wrote Cody a little note and threw the pregnancy tests into a box and ran to him and had him open it. He had no idea and was in complete shock. He was so excited!! Cody was an easy baby and child as was I so I anticipate the same will go for our little one. Also I was born with blonde hair and blue eyes (limited hair I might add) as was Cody. So I already know what our baby will look like. Isn't that cool!

I marked out the blue because it had the baby's name if it's a boy. 

I have had such an easy pregnancy so far (granted I am still so early) I have had limited symptoms and have a ton of energy. My mom, and both grandmothers had a breeze of pregnancies so it could be genetic which I am so blessed! I have lost 5.5 pounds simply because I'm not hungry in the least.

I can't wait to join the mommy club and have the best job in the world!! I was born for this!!! I'm a mama no matter what happens from here!!

Baby is the size of a sugar crystal and is 0.05inches long. Baby Raborn likes certain foods one second and the next not. He is funny.

 

Baby is the size of a poppy seed!

 

.......................................................................

-5 Weeks-
4/30-5/6

Update: During this sweet 5th week of pregnancy, our baby got a heartbeat on 5 weeks 6 days! Baby is 0.30inches long and weighs 0.01oz. Celebrate! I also went in and got my blood drawn again since it was so early still on 5 weeks 5 days and my HCG levels were 1,377!!! My progesterone levels are 20.9 which is why I can't breathe😅. I still can't get over I'm having a baby! We tell our parents in the middle of week 6 during my first mothers day!!!

Symptoms: I still feel really great! My food aversions have significantly lightened up and smells don't bother me anymore. No nausea yet or of course throwing up. I still have a lot of energy and am working out almost daily. I still don't have any breast tenderness and I slept for the first time more than 3-5 hours in a day since before I was 3 weeks pregnant! Praise the Lord!!! I lost a total of 5.7 pounds, and I'm 1.7 pounds down from my pre-pregnancy weight. (I had originally gained like ~4 pounds from "week 1-2" from my last period and the water weight that it usually brings). I had a really upset stomach for 3 days straight which made eating difficult but luckily that has gone away. It was most likely from such the rise in HCG levels so quickly!! Also the other symptom I am experiencing is anger. So I have figured out pregnancy doesn't change your moods as much as it does enhance it. So I can get angry really easy so now I am irate for no reason and have to work out to cool off. So that is frustrating. My skin has been EXTREMELY smooth like a baby's butt to the point Cody keeps commenting on it! My lower legs have been getting the sensation that there are spiders/ants/cobwebs on them and it is annoying. 

Common misconceptions: I still look and feel the same. I had to take a pregnancy test again to make sure the baby didn't just disappear because I feel almost completely normal. I also assumed during pregnancy you wouldn't even recognize yourself because immediately you would start to put on weight, look bloated, and/or just look different. All of the announcement shirts I bought were a Large because I truly thought you just lost your body right away like everyone says but so far I look the exact same. So I re-ordered the shirts in my normal size small. Right now, my pants actually fit looser everywhere and I have lost some fat around my face, arms, and back!

 

Baby is the size of a cake sprinkle (the longer sprinkles).

 

No bump yet!

..............................................................
-6 Weeks-
5/7-5/13

Update: During this sweet 6th week of pregnancy, we celebrated our first mothers day and told our families!! Our baby is growing right along! Baby is 0.50inches long and weighs 0.02oz. Celebrate!

Symptoms: I still feel really good! In the beginning of week 6 I had the urge to chew on something that had give like tougher gummy bears or the heel of a load of bread. Not to eat it because i'm still having aversions like crazy, but to have the chewing sensation. Bubble gum just won't do.  I'm starting to have some leg tingling when I move funny or am sitting or laying down for longer than an hour. The crazy headaches from the beginning of week 3 have come back with a vengeance. I'm able to work out a lot more now which is great to help my extra energy. Towards the end of this week I was able to finally starting to feel breast tenderness. It feel a lot like PMS soreness. On the last day of week 6 I was able to feel slight pressure in my uterus which makes sense because it is double the size it normally is now!

Common misconceptions: I always thought pregnant women could physically feel the baby or sense it was there. This is not the case at all, at least in the first trimester. It feels no different. I literally can't sense there is a baby which is why it is sometimes hard to believe still. My uterus feels no difference, just a slight fullness feeling which is so strange. It's like being bloated where your bladder is. So odd. 

Baby is the size of a jellybean!!!!!

 

We told our family this week! 

.........................................................................

Pregnancy time lapse:

 

  

0/2 weeks, 3 weeks, to 4 to 5.....etc.
.............................................................

Love, 

New Mommy Kayla!

I hope my baby can wiggle it's ears like me and has an amazing/unique memory like me! LOL And of course, as long as it is healthy, the rest is icing on the cake.