This single handedly might be the most important post I ever make. This has been pivotal in my personal walk with God. Please if you are here to read, read to the end!
We are so elated to announce that we are pregnant again. We are so excited to welcome a second earthly baby to our family, completing our family of 4. Words cannot describe how humbled and blessed we feel. These last 5 months have been such a time of truth, faith, and being immensely humbled. I will never look at pregnancy the same again.
For our first two babies, we were blessed to skip the "trying" phase which can be long and agonizing for many many people. The first baby was a complete surprise, and we got pregnant with Conner a month before we were planning to (I know we're THAT annoying couple). So it basically went, I feel funny, let me take a test and BOOM positive.
For this baby it went a little differently. We knew we wanted our babies 2 years apart or a little under 2 years apart, that was important to me so I gave us a 5 month trying window. So in late July I stopped the mini pill and of course expected to see those two pink lines immediately. When that didn't happen it felt so devastating, like a loss of a child. It was a surprising feeling, and it was heart wrenching. This is a small snippet of what infertile couples feel and I don't know how they have the will to go on. We now had the capacity to even begin to understand what they go through. The next month, I had all the symptoms and we actually saw a very very very faint positive pregnancy test one day but the next day it was gone. It was absolutely devastating. We wanted another baby so bad, we were beyond ready to grow our family, we had felt ready since Conner was 4 months old but just had to wait for the right time.
At this point I started digging into ovulation tests and temperature tracking with the ava bracelet and realized I ovulate late and we had been trying too early, missing our window. So at month 3, we launched in headfirst very hopeful and excited EXPECTING that positive and nothing. Nothing at all. At this point I was definitely starting to panic. This was abnormal for us. I called the doctor and he suggested it could be from low progesterone from delayed ovulation which could be caused from breastfeeding. I wasn't ready to stop breastfeeding Conner once a day so I did my research. (side note I never got my period until 14 months postpartum, very blessed it came back when we were ready to start trying for another baby). I felt God pushing me to get my progesterone levels tested on day 21 of my cycle (which is the day they like to test it) because my luteal phase (from ovulation to start of period) was 7-8 days leaving hardly any time for implantation of a fertilized egg before my period started again. I also never had a significant temperature raise after ovulation, it was slow and low. So the progesterone number came back staggering low for cycle day 21. They normally like it to be between 15-25 at that point and it was a 2!?! That was not good at all. So I asked my doctor if I could start taking progesterone the day of ovulation and on to help us conceive because this was odd to us. He agreed and sent the prescription over. (This is also what I took the entire first trimester of Conner's pregnancy once I had my first blood draw after the positive pregnancy test and noticed the numbers were so incredibly low). So month #4, a few days before Halloween I started the progesterone and 8 days after that, there it was, the two pink lines.
I was triggered to take a test that day (because I didn't want to be heartbroken if it was negative and was going to wait a few days) because Conner came up to me and lifted my shirt, patted my stomach, and said baby and gave my stomach a kiss. I was absolutely stunned. I immediately went and took a test. Each time in that 8 day wait I was filled with anxiety that I wasn't pregnant and the fear that there wasn't anything left more for us to do, Conner would immediately say baby out of the blue. I kid you not. God guys. That is God.
So at this point I was just so relieved that we still could get pregnant, and God would allow us to have another child, I didn't even get to arrogantly prance around, I just felt so grateful and so so humbled. I also finally got to see the positive test for the first time with Cody instead of by myself because I'm impatient. I carefully shared my news with close friends and relatives in a different way than before, with gentleness and humility. You don't know what others are going through or what they have gone through. And I know firsthand God can take back his gift in a heartbeat if they are needed with Him in heaven. God had put me in my place this time around. I've always known, nothing is guaranteed. This experience has changed me. I don't even care that Conner and the next baby will be a little over 2 years apart and initially that would have bothered me so so much. I'm just glad to have a baby now. Lord willing this baby is healthy and thriving. This experience has also brought me to a realization that I'm not even worried about the baby having clubbed feet or not, I just want another baby so bad and with God, we can get through anything.
I had never experienced baby fever before but when you desperately want a baby and can't for whatever reason, you have such internal pain and you long and envy those who have their babies in their belly. But you don't even know their circumstance. They could be praying for a healthy baby after bad news or they could be going through something terrible in their life. I have been turned to focus on God through this and lean heavily on Him. We have said countless prayers together as a family, more than we ever had, growing us closer to Him.
So my first blood draw at 10 days post ovulation, my hcg and progesterone were INCREDIBLE. My hcg was 37 and progesterone 40. In reference, our first pregnancy with our first little baby, our hcg was 13 and progesterone 12. With Conner's pregnancy (tested even later at 16dop) our first hcg level was 16 and the progesterone was 12. Which dropped to a 10 at the two-day later blood draw with him which triggered me to ask our doctor to put me on the progesterone with him immediately. I believe with all my heart that saved Conner's life. With this current pregnancy, my second blood draw, two days later, hcg was 126 and progesterone 90! The hcg more than tripled and has again since. The progesterone effected how the baby is growing and that's why my numbers are so much better now, even than they were with Conner's pregnancy. For our first pregnancy, at 8 weeks along when we learned from the ultrasound that the baby wasn't living (or there at that point), my progesterone was only at a 19, it should've been in the hundreds.
The most agonizing part about this whole thing was that realization about the progesterone. My body doesn't produce adequate amounts of progesterone to sustain life and in this case, create life (get pregnant). It took our first baby's sacrifice to realize this and save precious Conner's life and allow us to avoid secondary infertility and give Conner a sibling. My first little baby never got to be with us so he/she could give us a family, a sacrifice I will never forget. That is why I will never forget that baby for as long as I live. I am also blessed to be an engineer and have a data driven mind to chart these things and notice a pattern to see that things weren't right with Conner's pregnancy in the beginning and the issues in all the parameters that ultimately allowed me to get pregnant this time with God's guidance for me to speak up. I wish I had known this all along so I could have given our first baby a chance. I had no idea. He or she would be with us right now. Now there is purpose to the pain. That's more than I could've ever asked from God. I didn't understand how hurt I was and why it had to all happen when I was in the midst of that miscarriage. Miscarriage changes you and you will never be the same again. I saw/see the world through a different lense and could feel so many people's pain. It was too much.
Looking back at my miscarriage all I ever wanted was purpose for the pain and that's why I shared my story so openly so I could help someone, even one person. Until recently, I never got to help a single soul and I am glad my first baby could bring peace to someone else too. I wish I could have helped myself too, those 4 years ago.
God has always had a hand in every aspect of my life. How and when to find my husband, becoming an engineer, my job, where I lived, when to have kids, having a blonde haired blue eyed clubbed foot little boy, and I have been shown to have a precious little girl born in July. Guess what, this baby is due in July. Only time will tell if this is indeed the precious little girl God has hinted at, against all odds. The little girl I have been writing to for over 12 years in a little kept diary. All I know is whoever this little baby is, he or she was specifically picked for us. All of the circumstances lined up exactly right for him or her to be exactly who they are going to be right now. And they will be so special to us.
In this pregnancy, of course I am scared. I am still so early and so much can happen. But I will not let crippling fear control me anymore. I lived every day of Conner's pregnancy in utter terror, barely resting my mind, worried to go to sleep because if I wasn't thinking about him or worrying about him, something would happen. I won't do that again. Let go and let God. I repeat that nearly hourly.
Our first ultrasound isn't for a little while which scares me immensely because I'm usually seen at 6ish weeks and that won't be the case this time. I am being taught by God, even through this, to give Him my worries.
Conner will be such an amazing big brother, he has such a sweet, kind, personality like Cody and is so precious. I'm so grateful to give him the greatest gift we could ever give him, a sibling.
Thank you for following along with my family and thank you for the continued prayers, I am so grateful to share the news with you guys and have this baby known, loved, and prayed for.
With so much love,
Kayla, Cody, Conner, new little baby, and Lucy!
11/21/23
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